September 2017: My Boyfriend Won’t Commit & She Left Me In Debt
My Boyfriend Won’t Commit
Dear Dr. Jane,
I am in love with a guy I have been seeing on and off for four years. I have a flat which we live together for a time in, then without warning he will just say I’m getting too much then ups and leaves with no further explanation or understanding for me. He leaves lots of his things at the flat, but doesn’t get in touch and changes all his contacts details so I can’t get hold of him. I’m left heart-broken and confused for a few months. Then, just as I’m beginning to pick up the pieces of my life he will get back in touch and with a few weeks it’s like we’ve never been apart and he’s moved back in. And then a few months later he’ll do it all again, it’s happened three times now.
My friends and family are getting sick of this pattern, as am I, but I love him and can’t see myself being with anyone else. He’s never actually said he loves me, but likes me to tell him I love him, the most I’ve got over the years is him saying that my love for him is not unrequited. He says that he can’t see himself being with anyone else but me in the long term.
Telling you that your love is not unrequited is like dangling you on a fishing line that he is free to pull in whenever it suits him. He gives you just enough encouragement and faint hope for the future, by basically telling you that unless anyone better come along he sees himself with you in the future. He is repeating a pattern of behaviour towards you, which includes blaming you for being too much, but does not give any more details as I doubt there are any. He is behaving like he does because he can. As far as he is concerned you will always be available to him to boost his ego, provide a home and safe storage for some of his possessions.
You are the only one that is going to break his pattern, by changing the locks and sending his belonging on. You say that you love him, but being treated like this is not love and you should put your energies into your own future not a suggested fantasy one that he offers. You have what sounds like supportive friends and family so allow them to help you and love you. Then in time you can form a real equal adult relationship and discard this man to your history.
Best of luck,
Dr, Jane x
She Left Me In £50,000 Debt
Dear Dr. Jane,
I owned my house outright then stupidly I allowed a woman I met on the internet move in with me. After three years of insisting she would never marry, she suddenly changed her mind and before I knew it we were in the local registry office and married.
Soon after she asked me to re-mortgage for £50,000 so that we could have some holidays and a luxuries like spa weekends, new wardrobes and city breaks. This happened until the money ran out. Then last year she walked out and now refuses to pay the mortgage, leaving me to face eviction. She has moved in with another man who has money and his own home.
As you probably already know I’m sorry to say that you have been well and truly taken advantage of. But at least perhaps not to the point you could have been as you still have your house. Unfortunately there are plenty of women and men trawling the internet looking for their next patsy, it’s something we hear about women falling victim to a lot, but perhaps not so much men.
If you have not already started to, you really need to seek proper legal advice especially if you are still married and you have not made a will as your do not want your wife to have any claim on your home. Firstly for free talk to your local Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) or find a charity debt management organisation as they can advise you on how to deal with the mortgage company. They may be able to offer advice on renegotiating a reduced monthly payments to pay your arrears and they could also let you know whether you are entitled to welfare benefits or tax credits.
You may feel utterly foolish at being taken advantage of, but if you can extract yourself from this relationship with as much self-esteem intact as possible and your house still belonging to you, you will feel a huge sense of relief.
Best of luck,
Dr. Jane x