December 2017 : I Need to Dump A Possessive Friend & Was I Wrong To Get Back With Him?
I Need to Dump A Possessive Friend
Dear Dr. Jane,
I have a friend who I met via work, all was fine with her until a new colleague arrived that I get on very well with. so much so that we’re planning on sharing a flat together soon. My original friend is constantly putting her down, she even tried to suggest that she had stolen from me, which was blatantly not true. I feel sorry for my original friend, she does not have a good home life, she lives with her elderly parents and really only has work to get her out of the house. This is why I or my new colleague, did not report her making up the stealing story, but I feel it’s time we both moved on, I’ve tried to hint that I’m not that interested in her anymore, but no luck.
It may be necessary if she doesn’t get the message that you will have to be a bit more direct. You are getting on with your plans and she has to accept it and do something with her life, but importantly that is not your job to organise as she will undoubtedly ask you to. This is called Learned Helplessness, where you go through life presenting yourself as helpless and engender others to constantly help you and do things for you. I suspect that you are one of a list of friends that eventually get fed up with her. Maybe she needs to talk to someone about this, but again that is not your job to organise. A clear and consistent message that you have backed off is important, she will be hurt but basically you don’t want the friendship and you can pick your friends.
Was I Wrong To Get Back With Him?
Dear Dr. Jane
I’m 18 and recently I got back together with my ex boyfriend, we split up last year when I didn’t want to put up with his controlling behaviour anymore. He constantly wanted to know what I was doing all day, would text me, always just be ‘passing’ when I came out of college. I got on well with his family and when his sister contacted me on social media asking me to give him one more go, I agreed as we did have some good times. But recently I’m beginning to regret being so quick to get back together. We don’t live together but he constantly talks about it and spends ages looking at suitable flats.
As an adult you have choices, which you exercised last time you had got fed up with him and ended the relationship. If people are considering getting back with their ex, they should always take a long, hard look at why that relationship ended. So often the reasons that drove them apart in the first place re-emerge, which they are with him trying to control your future. His sister probably does fear upsetting her brother by saying no to his request to contact you, he does sound like someone who is used to getting his own way. If you do not want to continue with the relationship if you do break up, make sure she knows that you are not together, you do not have to give too many details, but you are making it clear to him. If you have any thoughts of wanting to continue the relationship you should both seek help together with Relate, to make sure this is a relationship of equals and not him domineering or trying to control.