August 2017: My Forceful Partner Wants Sex Constantly & A Son’s Mother Is Distant and Uncaring

My Forceful Partner Wants Sex Constantly

Dear Dr. Jane,

After 15 years in an abusive marriage I met a man who was just divorcing his wife.  He says that he finished his marriage because his wife stopped having sex after the menopause We are in our 50s. He moved in with me quite soon in to the relationship, which was fine at first, but soon he became very controlling and forceful in his sexual demands. 

He wants sex all the time, every morning and night and wants to experiment, which I’m really uneasy and uncomfortable with.  He thinks that our sex is amazing and that I am enjoying it, but there’s no tenderness and he thinks that just having sex with him is enough for me to be aroused.

I really shudder at the thought of intercourse with him, he is not dissimilar to my ex in his demands.  Also I feel that I’m stuck with him as he’s moved in with me.

Zoe

Dear Zoe,

This man sounds like he treats not only you, but any opportunity to show love and respect towards you, with selfish contempt. You find yourself in a intolerable situation and you will have to do something about it if it is either going to end or improve. As he has recently moved in, you can perhaps can suggest that after an initial period, you do not think it is working and state that his sexual needs do not match yours.  If he responds positively then things could be improved between you. But if he finds it too difficult to accept that you do not want the sexual relationship you have now to continue, this will tell you as much as you need to know about the future of this relationship -that it is unlikely to change.

As people get older it may seem tempting to be with someone rather than be alone, but please remember all the time you are together your chances of forming a respectful relationship with a caring and listening partner are virtually non-existent. And would you want to spend the next potential thirty years in this relationship?  He may want the relationship to succeed and will be willing to work on being less demanding, controlling and forceful.  However I suspect that he may be playing on your nature and when things are spelled out to him he will be on to his next conquest.

Kind wishes,

Dr, Jane x

A Son’s Mother Is Distant & Uncaring.

Dear Dr. Jane

Over the past couple of years, my 68-year-old mother has become increasing difficult to deal with.

If my wife and I ask her to babysit our two-year-old twins sons she gives a million excuses, and when I had back surgery recently, she really could not be bothered to help at all.  My wife did everything for me, the twins and was exhausted and when mum did come around she just complained.

When we got married she just stood there complaining about her outfit, the venue, the weather, the guests – she didn’t even try to join in with the day. 

She’s never been that interested in my family and yet when I was younger she couldn’t do enough for me or my younger brother who emigrated with his family to New Zealand a few years ago.

Martin

Dear Martin,

It’s significant that you mention when you were younger she could not do enough for you and your brother.  Yet if you look at her situation now, both sons married with young families, it may seem that all she feels she is good for is helping with baby-sitting and nursing when you had your op. 

A lot of mothers feel their son’s wives, albeit unintentionally, replace them as the most important woman in their sons’ lives. For some mothers this is a hard adjustment to come to terms with, hence her sulky behaviour at your wedding.

It would seem that your mother is in some way punishing you for a) replacing her so easily and b) being relegated to being the hired help.  Of course you would like her help, but perhaps there are other ways of including her in you and your family’s life that do not always have to entail needing help.  If you can suggest some things that you can all do together, like all of you taking the children to the park.  See where that goes and if she continues to be distant then that is her choice.  Then you should ensure your childcare is not in any way reliant on her as you will be constantly let down, cross and resentful towards her.  Which then in turn makes it less likely that you will want her to join in with your family fun times.

Best wishes,

Dr. Jane x